Running on empty?

I wonder if it makes me a bad Christian when I feel like Job.  Does my faith-o-meter drop when I feel desperate?  When I get really angry at God and say things like, “Don’t talk to me right now, I don’t want to hear what you have to say, I just need a little time to myself” am I less holy?  Or am I being true to my own self?  Am I being honest with my humanity?  Am I acknowledging just how fallen I am?  What is it?  What is it that made the psalmist say things like, “This poor man cried” or “How long Oh Lord will you stand afar off?”  I find myself wording it more like, “Are You serious?” “Is this necessary?” “What the hell is going on?”  I find myself venting.  I find myself silent. (Those of you who know me well should at this point be thinking, “Him – silent – this must be serious”)  And it is. 

I have come to realize that the Christian walk often leads us down paths that hurt.  Not that Jesus wants to hurt us… I am not saying that.  What I am saying is that, if we are to be like Christ, if we are to share in His suffering, if we are to do greater things than He has done (His promise to us) then we are going to find ourselves going where only He would go.  We lose a lot. It hurts. We ask that cups get taken away.  We are despised by people we love.  We are rejected and ridiculed.  We find ourselves draining the gas tank and running on fumes.  And then, empty.

Running on empty is a strange saying.  It is oxymoronical.  You can’t do it. 

We need to get refilled.  I know I do.  I know that in the flesh I can only give so much and receive rejection in return.  In the flesh I can only smile for the camera so many times before my face hurts and “showing my pearly whites” turns into “baring my teeth” in my heart.  You just want to lash out.  You just want to bite. And a “biter” is only one letter away from “bitter.” 

What would He say to me when I finally get over myself and listen?

“It’s okay.  Get angry at me.  I can take it.  Say what you need to.  I have heard it all before.  Get through the pain, so I can get through to you.  I am here. I haven’t gone anywhere.  It doesn’t make sense to you now.  You won’t understand.  But I will give you peace that passes understanding.  Be honest with me.  Be honest with yourself.  I know the truth in your heart already. I know you love Me.  And I love you.  Who do you think gave you emotions?  Who was it that knew you before you were born?  None of this has taken me by surprise.”

Maybe. 

Maybe He wouldn’t say a word.  Maybe He would just wrap His arms around me. 

Maybe he would send me to the support group of the saints where they would share their stories:  Joseph in his well, Jonah in his wale; David in a cave, Daniel in a den; Job and his loss, Jesus and the cross.  The list goes on.  And we are on it.  We might not want to be.  But if He is going to use us to lead a nation, to love sinners, to face the rulers, to sleep with lions, to lose all we have, or even lose our lives… if He is going to finish our faith… it is going to hurt.  We are on the list.  Our names are in the book.  We might not have “signed up for this” but this is what it takes. 

To be gold tested in fire… the heat has got to be turned up.  Get rid of the dross Boss.  Rip off the band-aid.  Do something.

Oh wait… You are.

“The Spirit itself beareth witness with our spirit, that we are the children of God: And if children, then heirs; heirs of God, and joint-heirs with Christ; if so be that we suffer with [him], that we may be also glorified together. For I reckon that the sufferings of this present time [are] not worthy [to be compared] with the glory which shall be revealed in us.”  Romans 8:16-18

Only followers of Christ could say “thank you” in never-to-be-understood circumstances.

I pray that we all find our tanks refilled, and that, even in times of confusion, rejection, and loss, we keep our eyes toward heaven, weather the storm, and walk on water.

If the boat was never tossed in the waves, they would have let Jesus sleep in the hull.

Awake!

SDG